I've got too much on my mind!!!

Hey Everybody,

So I just got done watching THE BIGGEST LOSER with my mom and I absolutly LOVE the Theme song .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WmOqlvffak. And when it first started I almost started crying and now as I was just searching Youtube and finding the videos I found including this one.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFgPbEuWrYw, I really did shed a tear, because I now what it takes to make ME FEEL PROUD!!!!! I have experienced that feeling and it's sad but I've just realized that it's been a REALLY long time since I've felt that way. I had another great workout this morning. I think one thing that is pushing me to keep going is the fear of going back to what I've done in the past which is not finishing. I've put in my previous Biggest Loser audition video that I've started this battle so many times I can't count them all but NOW is my time, I am going to FINISH this battle. Thats such an amazing feeling. I am scared to death for that not to be true. I'm seeing what it feels like to be proud of myself, I dont' want that feeling to go away. So I know it's up to me. But I also put a little of that on all of you because this blog and the people that read it are holding me accountable for my actions (or non actions). I want to thank you all for that. So anyway enough of the emotional heart wrenching confessions (for now anyways).
So my workout this morning. I started off a little late, I was supposed to be at the gym to meet with the trainer to set up a workout at nine am. I got out of bed at 8:30 the time I should have been leaving. So I got there a little late which had me feeling a little discouraged. But I got there and got right to work. I went through ten machines working my upper body and lower body with weight training. Then we get all done and "my trainer" encourages me to do some cardio. oh yeah I forgot to mention this was after I asked her to show me the rowing machine which I didn't know how to use but I had seen somebody else using it and it looked "fun" but had heard that it was hard. What could be better than a fun hard workout right? at least for a little variety in my workout which I'm constantly looking for so I dont' get bored in my routine. Anything I can do to get and continue getting results. (by the way I'm listening to my workout playlist right now and it's so awesome right now I'm listening to wilson phillips Hold ON and I love it it's so fitting. :) ) Anyways back to my workout so I did the rowing machine for like two minutes but it wasn't too bad I can definently see myself doing it in the future. So then I signed up to do the tredmill for my regular fifteen minutes with varying (sp) speeds, between 3.0 and 3.2. I love the machines at my Y they have tvs on some of them so you can just hook your headphones into the machine (cause my mp3 player STILL doesn't have my music on it, hopefully my WONDERFUL sister will help me with that when she comes home this weekend for my birthday ;) ) So for my time on the tredmill I rocked out to some CMT. then I had to wait ten minutes for my turn on an eliptical with a tv (it really makes ALL the difference) so I took myself on a little tour of the building, I found the gymnasium and a drinking fountain with COLD water :) Then went back upstairs for my eliptical workout. Now heres the BEST part.... I did the eliptical for HALF AN HOUR!!!!!!!!! I didn't go very fast but I figure I can work my way up to that. I think the thing that really helped me with staying on for so long was that my favorite show was on and I was watching the ever hilarious GILMORE GIRLS :) SO THENNNNN I still wanted to work out some more but didn't want to hurt myself by working out too much and I wanted to change things up a little so I went down to the pool and did some treading water and swam a full 2 laps which is pretty good for me cause I'm not a very good swimmer. And I was impressed with myself cause I was able to make it the whole length of the pool doing the, I think, butterfly move. then came all the way back on back stroke. did some treading then did it again. :) I know your all so proud of me as I am with myself.
So I need to get some sleep but I haven't something else weighing on my mind this evening. (other than the fact that my stomach is making me think I'm hungry which I hate late at night. so I'm trying to ignore) So towards the end of THe Biggest LOser Bob comes on and says they're casting for the next season of the show. Of course my stomach goes into knots and my mom goes "get on your computer right now and do it" she's always so encouraging in a pushy way lol. So I do but meanwhile telling her it's not that easy. It's actually a very long process so I'm in the midst of it AGAIN!! You may ask I thought you wanted this and isn't it a good thing well yes both of those things are true. But here's the thing well theres a few things bothering me about this. First of all after you've been rejected so many times you kind of want to stop doing the thing thats getting you rejected. Then there's getting your hopes up and I dont' want to go through all that again. I am also worried that somehow doing this would get in the way of the success I already having. I am also scared of the possibility of actually getting accepted I know it's kind of crazy but they do some crazy shit on that show. I have a lot of fears and they make you walk straight up to your fears face to face and beat that fear out of you so to speak. sURE THEY have awesome success stories and in the end thats all that matters and I will put myself back out on that ledge and jump into the challenge all I'm saying is that it's scaryvery very scary. Ok so I'm ready for a flood of advice and comments from all of you reading this. :) I love you all and thank you for your support. ttfn